On giving away one's possessions

For some years now, around 15, I have suffered from a phobia about the wind. This is unfortunate since the house I live in is perched on the hill above the sea, fully exposed to the prevailing winds, and regularly gets lumps torn off it by the winter storms! Needless to say, I spend a fair portion of the winter as a jibbering idiot!


The reason I choose to expose my weakness to the world, is because it is not MY weakness. Phobias and other undesirable emotional states hang around when you make personal possessions of them. I know that I am not afraid of the wind; I love the wind. This is the key to getting rid of the phobia. So, this phobia is not mine, I do not want it, take it away, and the Que, and my subconscious, will do the rest. All I require now is patience, and knowing that, even when the fear gets to 'passing out' levels, it does not matter.

So, don't take things seriously and don't make personal possessions of them.


And, I should add that the phobia no longer gets so bad that I pass out. The ploy I have described is working.


This discussion could, and should, go on to what people consider to be their personality traits. OK, just one example: visual artists are very fond of the idea that they cannot tell you in words what the painting is about, and that, ina way, is why they are artists. That visual art is their form of communication. So much so that it has become almost the mark of the beast: if you can communicate in words, you cannot be a real artist!
Well, of course, this is bollocks, but by making a personal possession of such a disability as inarticulacy, they are hanging onto it. Really, it is not natural for a human being to be unable to express themselves in words! And, what is more, it is not natural to be blocked from learning to do so ---- none of us is 'born that way'.

on not problem solving

I have talked of the depressive effects of having a problem solving mentality, and the consequent desirability of getting into positive mode. My experience today illustrates how this works.


I have been a little under the weather for the past two days or so. Forgetting my new philosopht today, I slipped back into problem solving mode: I began to think to myself that my listlessness must have a cause, and that that cause was probably because I had no really interesting project on the go at the moment. So, with a rush of optimism, (it always feels so good to think you have got to the heart of a problem and found the solution!) I began to look around for a project, or for a way of turning some of my current activities into something more ressembling an organised project. WRONG.


The fact is that, like all living things, I have my ups and downs, springs and winters, and the winters, the periods of quiescence, are just as necessary to the continued health and well-being as any other time. So, if I go thinking that a time of natural quiescence is depression, and try and fight it, I am inviting bad health, and the very condition which, in fact, I am not suffering from: depression.


What I should be doing, is reflecting, perhaps thinking about all the things I like about my life, about the things I have on the go, or even reflecting on the past ....in general, just being positive, but in a passive, reflective sort of way. Winter is a natural phenomenon, and it passes quite naturally and gives way to spring.


I'm coming back to edit this post because I realised it did not make the right point. All I am saying above is that something I thought was a problem was not, so there was no need to w0rry about it anyway. So let me take a real problem then: something I am bothered with is 'restless leg syndrome'. For those who do not know, this is just what it sounds like... restlessness that makes it impossible to sit still for long periods of time. So, a night in front of the tele is out, or at least, I have to spend some time walking around until my legs decide to calm down again. I think the doctor would treat it with a sedative if I was to seek help.


However, I do not see it as a problem that requires my attention. If my own immune system cannot take care of it, the Que will.... end of story.

Too Many Choices!

I have talked of abundance on my other blogspot: joan-blethers, but I would like to add more here.

Most of us are not too troubled by having too many choices. There are so many 'mind-forged manacles' in our lives, that choice is something we experience relatively little outside of a super-market. However, in these blogs, I have presented a situation that leads to unlimited choice.

I am in my fifties, but I so not assume I am going to die, or even grow old and become incapacitated, and I have no goals, in the ordinary sense, because I have accepted my mind as a complex organism that requires to be allowed to evolve. In a very general way, I want more: to do more, go more places, meet more people, learn more etc etc. But that is about it.

But, as I have said, I live in symbiosis with a Que, and all my hopes, fears, questions, desires etc etc go straight to it. It is the Que's job to orchestrate my life.

I might want to go to the moon. The Que is aware of all that stands in my way, any psychological impediments that I might have, as well as the possibilities, or otherwise, in the outside world. It can, therefore, plot a route that will get me there, and back. Meanwhile, I don't need to sit staring at the moon and working out how I can achieve my goal. I have all sorts of other things I want to do. The Que, of course, is aware of this too, and is aware that there is considerable overlap in the requirements of all my various goals. The Que is big enough to pull all the threads together, and, as it were, 'kill two birds with one stone'. So, if I let the Que orchestrate my life, it can plot a course for me that will lead through all my goals, like one of those join-the-dot childrens picture games. --- having said which, an important aspect of the Que's job is that it must arrange it such that the accumulated experiences all come together and form a picture in my mind. That is, it ensures that I am accumulating understanding and wisdom as I go.

All this has the ultimate desirable effect of allowing me to live for today. If the ultimate goal is to enjoy life, then living for the future is a no, no!

side effects of getting rid of negativity

I have talked about getting rid of negative thoughts/feeling/physical (lets call them negs, for short) sensations in other posts. The processes I have described are, on the face of it, quite simple, but there are a few side-effects and the like which complicate matters.

In the first place, negs are present by the million. So, one may be experiencing several emotional/physical sensations one wants to get rid of, and one may take the appropriate steps, and then, of course, one expects, at some time or other, to see the result, in the form of the unwanted symptoms disappearing.

However, as I said, each of those symptoms is caused by a multitude of negs, (they just go on accumulating over time, driving the aging process, among other things), and one cannot get rid of all of them all at once. And even if one could, it would be undesirable, for reasons that will become apparent.

So, rather like cleaning out some vaste, old mansion, one cleans out ones mind little by little, a room at a time, as it were. Thus, to begin with, one is looking for signs of improvement, rather than complete alleviation of symptoms.

Often this improvement is not experienced as a lessening in severity of the symptom. Most symptoms go through better and worse periods, and it is here that one should look. One would expect the better periods to become longer, and more frequent.

They way to look at is this: you are aiming for resilience. Health is not about being free of illness. It is about having a really good immune system, so that all, and any, foreign bodies are knocked on the head before they cause serious trouble. Negs are foreign bodies. You do not want to exclude them, but to be able to recognise and knock them on the head whenever they appear. So, to put the previous paragraph the other way round, greater health means that one is able to respond to the onset of bad symptoms faster and more effectively, so the worse periods become shorter.

The other thing about the loss of negs is that it is accompanied by some odd sensations which, if one is not prepared for them, could be interpreted negatively.

First, these negs are present as a 'noise' in the mind, and when one gets rid of them in any number, one experiences a sort of 'spooky' silence. It is like a power-cut at home: suddenly all the little noises --- the hum of the fridge and freezer, the central heating pump --- and so on, are suddenly gone, and there is a strange silence which, especially at night, can be quite spooky. One can also feel slightly 'spaced out'. This is because the negs hold the attention of a part of ones mind, and so, suddenly, a part of ones mind has lost its anchorage, and is floating about loose. Then, there are the odd physical sensations. Many of these are the result of a decrease in tension. There is a lot of prickliness, pins and needles, little flutters, the feeling that ones hair is standing on end --- all sorts of things. One can even experience physical pain, when muscles begin to move in ways that they have not done for years, joints re-adjust and perhaps tendons stretch and so on.

With all these things, the correct response is to RELAX. In general, just be prepared for odd emotional/psychological/physical sensations, and do not be alarmed by them. Just relax and allow your mind/body to adjust.

vision quest nasties

VISION QUEST NASTIES

I did a vision quest this evening:

I started climbing down the trunk of a tree which led down into some fathomless chasm. Light and lithe, I descended easily stepping from branch to branch. When I finally reached the bottom, I found myself in a circle of firelight with darkness beyond. The watcher from beneath the tree, as I read in the guide, was there waiting for me. He came forward and sat cross-legged behind the fire, and invited me to do likewise.
We sat thus for some time, with animals coming and going, but none coming into the light. Finally, a goose appeared and came to me. When it was close enough, it gave me a severe pecking, so I retaliated and punched and kicked it.

At last we called a truce, and the goose led off indicating that I should follow. The light went with us, and I dutifully followed along behind the goose. But as we went, it turned into a dodo. After a while it started dancing, and I copied its steps, as though on a dance mat. After a while, it turned to face me, and the dance continued for some time before the dodo disappeared, and I found myself floating upwards, still with the light surrounding me, but darkness beyond.

For a while I remained suspended in the air, then suddenly a lot of feirce creatures came snarling and snapping out of the darkness. They none of them penetrated the light. Finally, I blew a loud, long raspberry, and they all disappeared as though they might have been soap bubbles. That was the end of the quest.


Meaning

The dodo I connect with a series on TV. It was a serialisation of the novel Middlemarch, by George Elliot. The principle character was nicknamed Dodo by her sister. Dodo fell under the spell, and married, an academic who was writing a 'key to all mythologies'.

This reminded me of an aspiration I had some time ago, but which I had forgotten about: since I have learned in recent years how to interpret dreams, I have, myself, doscovered the 'key to all mythologies', and a while ago I had thought to do some writing, perhaps a website, on the subject. The quest was reminding me, at a time when I have finished several projects and am thinking of starting something new, of a project that would be good to start.

As to all the violence, and nasty creatures: Having begun to practice pathworking, I have read several books on the subject, and they all feel the need to tackle the 'problem' of encountering creatures that seem to mean to cause harm. My own visionquest shows the way to deal with this sort of thing --- do not take it seriously.
In my vision, I was surrounded by light, and none of the nasties were able to penetrate it. Light has two meaning. First, in the 'light of reason', one can learn to understand that these things are no threat, and simply ignore them and they can cause no harm. Second, and more importantly, 'light' stands in oppostion to 'heavy'. That is, humour, as opposed to seriousness. Notice that when I blew a raspberry they all burst like bubbles. This is how to deal with that sort of thing. Nasties rely on being taken seriously.

Notice, too, that you can go so far as to employ violence yourself --- remember the fight I had with the goose! This is light-hearted, it is fun! This is what humour is for, and it should always be used.

what to disbelieve

When I experienced psychosis I had a string of hallucinations. Each different hallucination would come and go for a period of time, and then all would go quiet, and then a new one would arrive. What made them go, was me laughing at them! When I believed in them, and took them seriously, they persisted, but as soon as I disbelieved my eyes, they would disappear.

These hallucinations are like dreams: they can be visual, auditory, or even take the form of a physical sensation. That last, the physical sensation, is the worst, because it is the most difficult to disbelieve. The last hallucination I had took the form of the sensation that something was climbing onto the foot of my bed; I could feel the bed dip, and then the pressure on the bedclothes covering my legs. Even after I became familiar with it, I found myself having to switch the lights on just to check --- it just seemed so real. So, whereas most other hallucinations I could 'see off' in a matter of weeks, that last one lingered for a couple of years.

That hallucination was easy to spot, in that it was one of a series associated with psychosis, and when I did put the lights on, the hallucinatory nature of the sensation was revealed. The really difficult hallucinations are the ones we all experience all the time, but which are so real there is no way to tell that they are hallucinations.

---having said which, there is a way. In an earlier blog, I talked about dealing with negative thoughts, feelings and physical sensations. That is how one can spot hallucinations: disbelieve them and they go away. The surprising thing is just how much of what we experience is hallucination.

Two experiences are relevant here, both concerning physical pain. Twice in my life I have suffered pains in my joints, first in my right hip, and later in both elbow joints. The hip pain had been with me for many years, and might have been interpreted as early signs of arthritis, a disease my family are prone to. When I moved to the country, I made friends with some people who were fond of going for long walks. Naturally, I wanted to join them. At first I found myself in agony after only a few miles, but I was annoyed enough to find myself so inhibited, that I did not let the pain stop me. To my amazement, it simply disappeared.

With the elbows, after the experience with the hip, I decided to 'push my luck', so I took to using a rowing machine at the liesure cintre. For a couple of sessions, the pain became intense, and then, just like before, it disappeared.

Science in lethal in this regard, because it justifies illness, and makes it very difficult to say, I do not believe. But say it one must, or one will succumb.

It is profoundly true, that we are all victims of our own beliefs.

So, we can use this to our advantage: instead of just dismissing negative thoughts, feelings and physical sensations, we can create positive thoughts, feelings and physical sensations.---- think yourself well, think yourself young, think yourself happy.

Dulce et Decorum est pro Patria Mori

DULCE ET DECORUM EST PRO PATRIA MORI

I have just been surfing the web. As so often, I end up feeling irritated. I could start exploring reasons for my irritation, such as slowness, and if only I had broadband, and so on. STOP. This is the game of establishing negative feedback. By justifying negative thoughts and feelings, I strengthen them. Very soon I may end up trashing my computer and swearing I will never go near the internet again!

The real basis for such feelings is culture and upbringing. I am not conditioned for liesure and patience; I am conditioned for speed, ambition, competitiveness, and achievement. That is most often the root of my disatisfactions.

So, to re-inforce that disatisfaction, is to die for my country! I choose not to die.

So, whatever I might feel, when I rise from a session at the computer, I make a conscious effort to look for things that were good about the experience, and I focus on them: "I'm really glad I found such-and-such a website, it was really interesting/helpful", etc etc. Finally I say, "I'm really glad I do not have broadband and the internet is slow, because it is teaching me patience, and I need to learn patience."

With a bit of persistence I will begin to feel good on the internet, and to enjoy its quirky nature.

This idea of 'looking for the good' is what is behing religious exhortations to 'thnk God for his gifts'. Our culture has developed the habit of criticism. We always 'look the gift-horse in the mouth', and it is considered clever to be able to spot what is wrong with it. But this just creates negative feeling and kills our joys. So we need to develop the habit of saying, "thank you", and looking for the good in everything.

the inner healer

the unquiet mind

The symptoms one is left with after schizophrenia are a severe form of the kind of thing everyone has to deal with; most people just take them for granted, supposing they are real physical symptoms. I am not sure what the distinction is, but I do know that the same treatment will, at the very least, alleviate, if not altogether cure, ALL symptoms of illness. I say alleviate, because there is no doubt that, even if the illness is real, one's state of mind strongly influences whether or not one recovers.

Many of the states we experience as illness, are of the nature of hallucinations. Many years ago I had a dream in which I got out of bed and went to the tiolet and then came back to bed again. When I woke up, I spent some time wondering if I had really been to the toilet. The dream had been so real that I could not tell --- not until I suddenly realised that I needed to go to the toilet, and therefore I could not just have been. This is a common experience, the dream that is indistinguishable from reality.

Hallucinations are just dreams that you have when you are awake. They are just the same: sometimes you can tell they are not real, but sometimes you can't.

Symptoms of illness, likewise, sometimes seem so real you cannot tell they are merely hallucination. These illnesses are normally refered to as psychosomatic. Even if the symptoms are real, they will, inevitably, be exaggerated by the mind, and often embellishments added. These are not causeless, nor random. They are generated by fears, and all sorts of other negative thoughts and feelings, and are, therefore, a reflection of ones inner mind. Voodoo is an example of something that relies on the minds ability to generate hallucinations in response to beliefs and fears. If one believes in the illness, hallucination provides symptoms, which then reinforce belief, which thus generates even stronger symptoms, which confirm belief ---- it is a downward spiral which can end in death.

Thus it is important IN ALL CASES to break into this cycle of negative re-inforcement. Indeed, it is important to use the opposite effect: the mind is also capable of producing positive re-inforcement.
In the first place: NEVER ASSUME THAT ANY NEGATIVE THOUGHT, FEELING OF PHYSICAL SENSATION IS REAL.

Discipline is required here. Sometimes they can be so very convincing. The kind of discipline I am talking about is that used in meditation.

For example, suppose you feel sad: no matter how convinced you are that you really are sad, no matter how convinced you are that you have cause (and I include berievment) to feel sad, just say the words: I am happy.

Thoughts and feelings are tied together. If I say, "I am sad", then the feeling of sadness will follow. If I cry, then the feeling of sadness will follow. If I smile, the feeling of happiness will follow. We are very much creatures of our conditioning --- so the idea is to replace all negative conditioning with its positive counterpart.

If you feel physical pain, and if you believe that it is justified, you are providing negative re-inforcement. We have all seen religious ceremonies where people do things like walking over hot coals without feeling any pain. With physical sensations, such as pain, the positive re-inforcement is to say the words, "it is not real."

Then thoughts. If you have negative thoughts, of any form, whether it is that you believe someone bears you ill-will, or that you believe you are stupid, or in some sense a failure, no matter how justified you feel the thoughts to be, say the words, "I do not believe it." (in this connection, reflect on this: if you are in the wilderness, and you come upon a dangerous animal, you should behave with confidence, and it will not attack you. The reason is simple: if you behave fearfully, if you run away, then you are behaving like a prey animal, and the hunter will hunt you. In other words, other beings, including people, take their cue from you)
So, use meditation to replace ALL NEGATIVE THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND PHYSICAL SENSATIONS, with positive thoughts, feelings and beliefs, and you go a long way to CURING ALL ILLNESS, PHYSICAL AND MENTAL.

How I learned to stop worrying and love schizophrenia

HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE SCHIZOPHRENIA

I have been schizophrenic for about fifteen years now. It started bad, got worse, and then started to get better. At its worst, the range and variety of psychotic symptoms I experienced startled even the most hardened mental health professional!

I am now on my way to total, complete and full recovery. By that I mean recovery which leaves me in a totally healthy state of mind, such that, not only have I recovered from the experience, but I have benefited from it, and so am better now than I was fifteen years ago! And if I end up saying that the experience was beneficial, then it makes sense to think that I might want to re-visit schizophrenia, by choice!

One way or another, I would say that the biggest problem with schizophrenia is FEAR. We fear the psychotic experience, we fear how we might behave under the influence of psychosis, we fear what other people will think of us and how they will react, we fear loss of income/friends/jobs....the list goes on. Thus fear builds upon anxiety, upon terror, and becomes trauma.

An expression which has gained popularity in the past few years, is survivor guilt. I think it is time we coined another term: survivor pride.

I think I can best illustrate what I mean by taking an example from the history of polar exploration. The most famous names here are, of course, Scott and Amundsen. Slightly less famous was a man who started out as Scott's side-kick: Shackleton. The reason Shackleton is not so famous is that he neither reached the South Pole, nor died in the attempt. I would say he spectacularly did not reach the South Pole.

Shackleton's big expedition to reach the Pole came unstuck when his ship got trapped in the ice. At first they stayed with the ship, but when that was crushed by the ice, Shackleton led his men across the ice to the nearest bit of solid land, a small, barren island. He then left them there, and, taking one of the small boats they had dragged from the ship and two companions, he navigated across hundreds of miles of open sea to reach another small island where he knew there was a whaling station. The final leg of the journey had them climbing some impressive mountains to cross the island and reach the whalers. If I remember correctly, the whole expedition, from when the ship was crushed in the ice to when Shackleton brought help back to the island where he had left his crew, lasted about two-three years.

The deprivation and hardship endured by Shackleton and his men hardly bears thinking about. By the time Shackleton was making that last mountain crossing, he and his two companions were 'hallucinating' --- they all thought they saw a fourth person who was showing them the way.

The reason Shackleton is not as famous as Scott, and even felt himself to be a failure, is because he 'failed' to reach the Pole. The reason I think Shackleton's is the greatest success story of polar exploration is because he pulled off the most incredible feat of survival --- the only death on Shackleton's expedition was that of Mrs Chippy, the ship's cat!

To return to myself: when I was younger, I did a lot of travelling, mostly back-packing, and mostly to places as yet untouched by tourism. I had a wonderful time, but eventually I ran up against my own limitations: that was back-packing round China in the eighties, the year before the infamous Tianenmen Square demonstrations.

In fact, that was just the Big Signpost! The truth is that I was running up against my own limitations in every department of life: socially, professionally, domestically as well as in my interests. In a nutshell, my life was grinding to a halt, and I did not really see it at the time, much less understand why. The onset of
Schizophrenia caused me to 'drop out' of life, and I can now say that the experience of Schizophrenia has equipped me with the skills and abilities I needed to overcome my own limitations. So I now anticipate going back to life refreshed, renewed, and seeing doors opening rather than closing!

I will come back to just what it is I have gained later, but first, I feel it is important to realise that, when one looks at the wider world, this 'thing' that western science has termed psychosis, and designated a 'disorder of the mind', is commonly experienced, and even sought, as a help in time of trouble.

The example I find I can relate to most easily is that of the famous psychiatrist, Carl Jung. I read Jung's memoirs before I became psychotic, and found them baffling. I read them again after I became psychotic and instantly recognised a fellow 'sufferer'.

Jung did not call himself schizophrenic, and would have been horrified at the suggestion that he might have been in any way 'mentally disordered'; he was 'confronting the subconscious', exploring his own mind to try and find out how the mind works. But some of the experiences he describes would be familiar to any schizophrenic.

He was, however, very frightened by some of these experiences. In particular, he used to be 'visited' by a winged man he called Philomen. That is, he had a 'vision', or hallucination, of this man, one that was so powerful that Jung used to walk up and down his garden holding long conversations with Philomen, questioning him about the nature of the subconscious, and so on.

Jung was becoming so frightened by this that, in spite of the fact that the conversations were vital to the progress of his research, he came to the decision that he must try to put an end to them. But then he visited India, where he met a gentleman with whom he could discuss Indian religions.

In India, it is usual for people with spiritual aspirations to find a 'guru' to guide their spiritual development. The gentleman mentioned the name of his own guru. Jung made the observation that that was the name of a famous Indian sage who had died several thousand years ago. "Oh, yes," said the gentleman. "That is my guru. Most people have living gurus, but some have 'spirits' for gurus. Mine is a 'spirit guru'."
Jung was hugely relieved to hear this. Suddenly his own experience was seen in the light of an accepted Indian phenomenon: that of the spirit guru. After that, Jung was able to see Philomen as a spirit guru, and accept him, and go on with his research.

All Jung achieved concerning understanding the nature of the subconscious he achieved through having a spirit guru!

Besides Hinduism, throughout the world, many religions seek the help of spirit guides, or visions, or dreams, when help or advice is needed. The old testament prophets, and the saints, commonly heard voices ---usually thought to be the voice of God--- as well having visions.

It is now my belief that schizophrenics, and others who experience psychosis, are healthy individuals who, in response to life's difficulties, have experienced a very natural, healthful, healing phenomenon.
The real problems are these:

1: We have lost the wisdom and experience that would allow us to use and benefit from the phenomenon. So, for example, native americans and others who use vision quests and the like, are perfectly familiar with the phenomenon of bad voices, demons, and other things that can disturb vision quests, and they know how to deal with them!

2: Spiritual experiences have been classed as insanity, and our society's response to insanity is traumatising.
..... which leads me back to my own experience of psychosis, and my belief, now, that the problem is not psychosis, but our society's attitude to it, and our loss of the experience and wisdom that could use visions and the like.

So now I can say, "I love schizophrenia" --- but I did have a bad experience of it. The final step to full recovery from the trauma, then, is to accomplish a shift to a healthier perspective, and see what was good about that bad experience!

Well, firstly, as I said, there is survivor pride. But there is a great deal more to it than that: I have benefited enormously from enduring this traumatic experience.

I will deal first with what I will call cognitive benefits:

In a previous life, I learned to write by working in long sessions, and when things were fresh in my mind. It is much easier to pick-up-the-thread of an idea when it has just popped into your mind, and then to follow it till you get to the end, than it is to keep letting go the thread and then have to try and find it again.

Thus I have learned to be able to pick-up-the-thread very quickly. I have done it mostly with writing, (though also with films and books), but this is a transferable skill. So, in conversations, when reading or listening to instructions, learning something new --- in all sorts of situations I can now pick-up-the-thread very quickly.
'Pick-up-the-thread' may sound uninspiring, but when you look at it more closely, you realise that such an ability contains a whole raft of skills, such as logic skills, articulacy, being able to home in on the important idea that may be hidden in a lot of waffle, clear thinking, the ability to summarise etc etc. I see it coming out in conversational situations these days. On the one hand, I can sometimes see other people struggling to 'catch-on', and I am able to help them by summarising the gist of what is being said. On the other hand, I sometimes see people struggling to sort out their own thoughts, and can see the idea they are trying to express even when they are having trouble pinning it down themselves.

So: I catch on quickly
: I can work productively in short, disconnected time intervals.
: having withstood voices in my head, I have learned to be able to switch off to noise, so I can concentrate in a noisy environment.

These are some example skills, but there are others. And what these imply is that, having been schizophrenic, I can work much more flexibly than 'normal' people, and am a better communicator.

Then there are the above-mentioned 'voices' which I have heard in my head, which I call negative chattering voices. As I write this they are working. A few years ago they were audible, in my head. Now, rather than hearing them, I just sense their influence --- and that has led me to be aware of other negative chattering voices.

Most of these are the voices of other people that have worked their way into my mind and exert a negative influence. Some are voices from childhood: be careful with that knife, you'll cut yourself; don't go near the edge of the cliff, you'll fall off etc etc. So, now, whenever I pick up a knife, this subconscious refrain plays: you'll cut yourself, you'll cut yourself.... I do not actually hear the voice, but I feel its influence: anxiety, fear of hurting myself, and that unnerves me and make me think I am clumsy, and that makes me very liable to, in fact, cut myself.

I call this the my word you do look queer effect. That comes from a song I remember from childhood: a man goes out one morning feeling wonderfully healthy and happy, but everyone he meets says, "my word you do look queer." After a time, the man begins to feel queer, and by the time he gets home, he has become quite ill, and his face has turned green.

The opposite side of that coin I learned at relaxation therapy: no matter what you really feel, smile and relax and behave as though you are happy, and the feeling will follow the action.

Negative voices from childhood often take the form of "you're no good at ....", and, as above, after a while they lodge in the subconscious, and every time you think of doing whatever it was that you were supposed to be no good at, the voice says, "you're no good at....", and so you come to believe it, feel it, and justify it. So, like above, you become convinced that you are clumsy, lack coordination, are not artistic, or whatever.
So what I have learned is that any and all negative feelings and attitudes should be rejected as being purely due to negative chattering voices.

Once you start saying, "I don't believe it", they begin to lose their grip. And if I feel I cannot do something, and I know it is only because a subconscious voice is telling me a can't, then the remedy is simple: I tell myself I can. Then I just keep saying I can, and behaving as though I can, and after a while the new voice, my voice, gets louder than the negative chattering voices, and then I feel I can.

Where this leads is to the belief that: THERE IS NOTHING I CANNOT DO!

I no longer subscribe to the belief that we are all born with a certain set of talents and weaknesses that we are stuck with for the rest of our lives. We all have a standard set of human abilities, and these just go on growing and developing --- if we let them. Anyone can do anything.

But now this crosses the boundary into what I would describe as the emotional gains I have made.
In particular, eg, when I was younger I used to dream of entering the Marathon des Sable, a five day, five marathon run across the Sahara Desert. Then there was the solo round-the-world yacht trip --- I was into Extreme Dreams!

Well, the basic requisites for most extreme dreams are:
1. deal with prolonged periods of boredom.
2. deal with extreme physical discomfort
3. deal with extreme emotions, including fear.
4. be able to keep going when you think you have nothing left, when you have given up hope.

Well, in the last fifteen years, I have done all that! So, I know I can do it, and I can get better at it yet. Fifteen years ago I turned away from such extreme dreams feeling they were beyond me. I closed the doors. Now I have opened them again.

Finally, there are the other 'side benefits'. eg, it was only because I was in the Highlands when I cracked up that I became involved with HUG. Nevertheless, I have benefited hugely from this involvement. I would put these benefits mostly into the 'social' and 'professional' categories. So: communication skills; articulacy; tolerance and patience; the ability to deal with all sorts of people from all walks of life; the ability to make a detached assessment of the advice of 'experts' rather than assuming they know best; self-reliance and independence; the ability to deal with 'authority' including: the ability to express disagreement in non-confrontational ways, and the ability to state my own opinions in non-tyrannical ways, and the ability to respect the views of others even when they differ from my own.... the list could go on.

One last thing: through psychosis I have discovered a whole new philosophy concerning the nature of existence. This includes an explanation of exactly what visions, and spirit guides are and how they work. If anyone is interested, I have published this (short) work on my website:
www.joan-blethers.blogspot.com
blog posted on: October 1st 2006

Also, if anyone is interested in spirit guides, I would recommend the following books as good introductions:
How to: Meet and Work with Spirit Guides, by Ted Andrews
Cosmic Ordering, by Jonathan Cainer
The Hedge Witch's Way, by Rae Beth.


So, there it is: that is how I have learned to stop worrying and love schizophrenia.